Birth PTSD ....

A friend of mine posted an article on her facebook ...  I thought it should be shared.

Birth Grief And Trauma Are Not Selfish

This is me, I have PTSD stemming from Noah's birth....

I have PTSD from Noah's birth. I always feel crazy saying it - but it's true. Especially being told over and over that Noah had no chance for life. I ended up in the hospital thanks to Pre-Eclampsia and Noah having heart decelerations. I made it clear that if I got nothing else, I at least wanted to be given the chance to hold Noah while he was alive. I realize that may have caused a delay in "saving" him. He was born at 33 weeks, he was the size of a 24 week baby - only 1lb 12.2 oz. 13 3/4 inches long. However, there was a doctor overseeing and telling all the medical staff he worked with that the baby had no chance. Regardless, there are certain basic things you expect at the birth of your child. I didn't expect to have to be rushed in for an emergency c-section, though I wasn't surprised. I didn't expect for the room to be so very silent other than the doctor's orders as she cut me open. I certainly didn't expect to learn of my child being taken from my womb by the time being called out by the anesthesiologist who was sitting by my head. By the time I asked what "Three forty-five" was, and he told me "it's the time your baby was born" ... Noah had already been taken from my womb and rushed to a side room behind a closed door - where I couldn't see or hear or anything... there was no announcement of "It's a Boy!" not even a "Your baby is out and he's being taken by the NICU staff to check his vitals." I had no idea, there was no intention to tell me anything. He was born at 3:45 pm and I didn't see him until after 9pm. They weren't going to let me see him until my legs weren't numb anymore, and I could get up and into a wheelchair.

With Nathan - who was born via planned c-section, at the same hospital, to go into the same NICU (and funny enough he was put in the same spot in the NICU Noah had been) ... I made DB swear he wouldn't leave Nathan's side, that no matter what was going on with me, he would at least be there with Nathan because he shouldn't be alone and scared. And so he did. And when Nathan cried at his birth - I started crying. His birth wasn't what I wanted, but I had very little choice as to having a c-section thanks to the way that I was cut with Noah. There was no option of a VBAC or anything I had wanted for a birth. I didn't have to wait with Nathan until my legs weren't numb anymore, they took me back in the bed, wheeled me right into the NICU. (And he wasn't in an easy spot to take a bed) .. it was a much better birth, still scary... I knew I had another sick baby - but he was crying and he wasn't on a vent ... but Noah was sick (almost died that same week Nathan was born) and having to leave Noah in his hospital room while I went to have a baby certainly didn't aid to my calmness, infact I was a wreck ... but that's another story. 

Kaedyn's birth - however, was amazingly what I wanted for a c-section ... and the only one done by my OB that I trusted and loved, and the only one done in my home town.  We were laughing and joking while he was doing the c-section, Kaedyn cried and screamed - LOL - and peed everywhere ... we got to take pictures and everything... I was left alone with him for about a half hour or so, in the recovery room ... just him and me.  I undressed him and I counted all his fingers and toes...  I remember when they put him in my arms, he stopped crying.... and he looked at me.  He was amazing.  It was the perfect ending to my having kids.  

Aspergers & Noah

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It's Autism Awareness Month - and let me tell you a little something about our lives on the Spectrum. We don't have just one kids on the Spectrum, we have two.

Noah was diagnosed with Aspergers just recently. He's always had it, I started questioning it when he was about three. There would be days where I just *knew* he had some form of Autism. Knew it - deep in my bones. Then the next day, I'd question that feeling. I ended up being on the fence about it for years. Then when I did all the paperwork for Nathan, it was pretty clean Noah was on the spectrum too. So I brought it up - to the Neurologist that sees both the boys, and he had me do some paperwork for him - and it was clear he was also on the Spectrum, more on the Aspergers side. Plus pretty severe anxiety, and ADD.

Noah has times when he's so badly got sensory overload, and it comes on quickly, and sometimes with very little stimuli ... He kinda sits and just covers his ears ... he gets super angry, argumentative, and sometimes it's hard to get him to move to a quieter place where he can calm down. Sometimes it's hard for him to pick up on things, sometimes things have to be explained to him over and over - sometimes in different ways - before it clicks. He also needs a ton of reassurance about some things.

But that's just Noah, it's how his mind works.  We LOVE him just the way he is.  

Autism and Nathan

It's Autism Awareness Month - and let me tell you a little something about our lives with Autism. Nathan is an amazing kid, we wouldn't trade him for the world, because even with the medical issues, and the Autism, and everything else he has going on - he is perfect to us, just the way he is. If we could make life a little easier for Nathan, we probably would, but not in a "I need to cure" him type of way. However, if cures could be found for some of his worrisome medical stuff, that would be AMAZING, but Autism isn't one of those things. We aren't out trying every single thing out there to try and "unlocking" Nathan or Noah (who has Aspergers.) But there are things that we miss. Like Nathan was a typical child (on the Autism front) up until 18 months, and then there was like a switch that got flipped, and I knew he was autistic. I just knew, I had been on the fence for years with Noah, but I just knew it about Nathan. So those moments when we get real eye contact, true smiles, and deep gut laughs, him being super excited about something are moments that we truly TRULY treasure.

At the zoo last Sunday, our last stop was play area. There are these little cup type things, that spin around and around, and Nathan automatically veered to that... and what happened just made my heart sour with happiness, just watching him. These are true smiles on his face, in the pictures. You know, because you can see his dimple!

Nathan came in my room and DB and I were watching TV, so I paused it and Nathan was hiding at the foot of our bed, and he'd jump up and "roar!" us (this is the first time he's done this in a long time) ... and I'd jump and scream like he scared us, and he'd laugh and laugh - and OMG that *real* laughter is the best sound in the world!! It's so rare that we hear it. So he kept doing it and (I nudged Daddy to get in on it) we'd keep jumping and pretending to be scared just to hear that sound.... it was AWESOME... truly ..