Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Birth PTSD ....

A friend of mine posted an article on her facebook ...  I thought it should be shared.

Birth Grief And Trauma Are Not Selfish

This is me, I have PTSD stemming from Noah's birth....

I have PTSD from Noah's birth. I always feel crazy saying it - but it's true. Especially being told over and over that Noah had no chance for life. I ended up in the hospital thanks to Pre-Eclampsia and Noah having heart decelerations. I made it clear that if I got nothing else, I at least wanted to be given the chance to hold Noah while he was alive. I realize that may have caused a delay in "saving" him. He was born at 33 weeks, he was the size of a 24 week baby - only 1lb 12.2 oz. 13 3/4 inches long. However, there was a doctor overseeing and telling all the medical staff he worked with that the baby had no chance. Regardless, there are certain basic things you expect at the birth of your child. I didn't expect to have to be rushed in for an emergency c-section, though I wasn't surprised. I didn't expect for the room to be so very silent other than the doctor's orders as she cut me open. I certainly didn't expect to learn of my child being taken from my womb by the time being called out by the anesthesiologist who was sitting by my head. By the time I asked what "Three forty-five" was, and he told me "it's the time your baby was born" ... Noah had already been taken from my womb and rushed to a side room behind a closed door - where I couldn't see or hear or anything... there was no announcement of "It's a Boy!" not even a "Your baby is out and he's being taken by the NICU staff to check his vitals." I had no idea, there was no intention to tell me anything. He was born at 3:45 pm and I didn't see him until after 9pm. They weren't going to let me see him until my legs weren't numb anymore, and I could get up and into a wheelchair.

With Nathan - who was born via planned c-section, at the same hospital, to go into the same NICU (and funny enough he was put in the same spot in the NICU Noah had been) ... I made DB swear he wouldn't leave Nathan's side, that no matter what was going on with me, he would at least be there with Nathan because he shouldn't be alone and scared. And so he did. And when Nathan cried at his birth - I started crying. His birth wasn't what I wanted, but I had very little choice as to having a c-section thanks to the way that I was cut with Noah. There was no option of a VBAC or anything I had wanted for a birth. I didn't have to wait with Nathan until my legs weren't numb anymore, they took me back in the bed, wheeled me right into the NICU. (And he wasn't in an easy spot to take a bed) .. it was a much better birth, still scary... I knew I had another sick baby - but he was crying and he wasn't on a vent ... but Noah was sick (almost died that same week Nathan was born) and having to leave Noah in his hospital room while I went to have a baby certainly didn't aid to my calmness, infact I was a wreck ... but that's another story. 

Kaedyn's birth - however, was amazingly what I wanted for a c-section ... and the only one done by my OB that I trusted and loved, and the only one done in my home town.  We were laughing and joking while he was doing the c-section, Kaedyn cried and screamed - LOL - and peed everywhere ... we got to take pictures and everything... I was left alone with him for about a half hour or so, in the recovery room ... just him and me.  I undressed him and I counted all his fingers and toes...  I remember when they put him in my arms, he stopped crying.... and he looked at me.  He was amazing.  It was the perfect ending to my having kids.  

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