13 Years Ago......

Thirteen years ago this very moment, I was awake in a hospital room.  Nervous.  Scared.  Paying attention to every kick, roll, movement, and the constant beeping of my baby's heartbeat on the fetal monitor I had been attached two for about 58-ish hours.

Something would happen soon that would worry me more ...  his heartbeat would drop dramatically and they came in and threw an oxygen mask on me.

But yet, I was so exhausted, I did sleep.

It was the eve of the birth of my miracle.  My first miracle.

The Boy Who Lived.

How terrified can you be about the birth of your baby???

Well I was.

As is every parent who hears the words that break their hearts into millions of pieces when they are told "Your baby won't live" ....

There are more of us out there then you think.

I - however - was one of the "lucky" ones....

My little boy came into the world weighing only ONE POUND TWELVE POINT TWO OUNCES and THIRTEEN AND THREE QUARTERS INCHES. I was unaware, but the staff had been assured he'd die.

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This is the only picture I took of him on the day he was born.

I really spent the first week of his life in shock I think.   I also think that's the first time I've ever admitted to it.  I know I cried behind closed doors by myself a lot.  I was sooo lonely while he was in the NICU but I was also afraid to leave his side.

Being a NICU parent is something that cannot be explained to someone who hasn't experienced it.  There is now way to explain the constant ups and downs of emotions, the full on emotional breakdowns of worry and fear that your child will die.  Having to come to terms with it if it happens.  Getting emotionally involved with other families and watching babies die.  Being so lonely and far away from home. Being at the mercy and schedule of the doctors and nurses.  Having nurses (not all nurses) act as if YOUR CHILD is not YOUR CHILD.  Having to ask permission to touch, hold, interact with your baby.  Having your life, completely and utterly put on hold.

I can put the above words to it, but just that little bit is not the huge impact it has because even with that - no one can even imagine.

My little itty bitty fighting miracle went from this ........

To this.....